i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
