i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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