imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
