I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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