Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
