If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
