After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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