Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
