If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
