I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
