I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
