last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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