her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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