Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize