Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
