I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
