i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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