This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
