So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
