why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
