U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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