just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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