I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
