I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize