I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
