I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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