Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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