Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
