those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
