My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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