Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
