forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
