Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
