...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
