Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
