theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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