just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
