After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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