Betty ford says i'm here all night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
