Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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