I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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