Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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