never play flip cup with pint glasses
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
