I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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