Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
