I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If I die, sorry about rent.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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