There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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