I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
