She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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