when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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