but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
