How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
