The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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