why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
