Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
