Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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