New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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