here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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