I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
